Being a Strong Independent Woman… Or Not

So today I cried at work. Is there anything at work that feels more humiliating? Probably. But this was pretty low on that scale I argue.

I hate feeling inadequate and getting self-conscious. I want to be a strong independent woman, but frankly there are many times when I just don’t feel like that, at least half the times actually.

I think sometimes there’s a pressure when you define as a feminist to be strong, independent and ultimately happy with yourself. At the moment, I am not happy. It has recently hit me quite hard that I’m single and whilst to many that may not seem like a big thing, it is to me at the moment.

I relied on my previous partner to not feel like shit about myself, my body and everything else. I think this gradually got worse when we moved apart after university and I became pretty much on my own. My friends moved away and I relied on my partner to fill a bit of a void. Even though, my partner was on the other side of the country I came to rely on him as a friend more than anything.

And I think you do when you’re with someone. It’s normal. Don’t get me wrong, I am quite independent, always have been. I don’t mind going to the cinema alone or eating alone, but I do like company. And when you come to rely on someone for those little moments, it hurts.

Crying today in an office was a low point. The reason I cried was feeling inadequate, self conscious over a stupid photo of myself. I’ve always struggled with photos of myself when in reality nobody cares.

What everyone else sees as a perfectly lovely photo, you see as garbage because you think your shoulders are too broad and you look tired as hell.

It’s definitely a big thing for me this year to try to ‘love myself’ – A phrase previously that has made me shiver because I never have. Dating is off the cards for quite a while now, simply because I don’t really know what I want. Hopefully this post wasn’t too much of a pity party.

So essentially here I am saying that I’m not actually that strong. I feel pretty weak actually.

(P.S. Sorry for not posting in a week, this post was pretty much my explanation)

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9 comments so far.
  • Cat

    I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling this way 🙁 It is difficult to learn to love yourself and be independent when you’re so used to relying on someone, but it is the best lesson you’ll ever learn. I’ve definitely cried at work a few times before so it’s nothing to be ashamed of. I once had a panic attack at work in a previous job and felt so embarrassed but you can’t help those sorts of things. Personally, I’d recommend that you take the time to note down the things that are truly great about you so that you have a reminder for the bad days when you’re not feeling your best. x

    • Eleanor

      That’s a great tip! Might just make that into a note on my phone 🙂 I’m feeling a little bit better, still a bit lost though.

      Thanks Cat x

  • Eleanor

    This post resonated so much with me. I’ve been feeling similar lately. Same sort of relationship, which has now ended, but it didn’t matter so much at first as I was at University and felt I was accomplishing something but now I’m back home, unemployed and struggling to find work. We’ve just got to carry on I guess. But you’re not alone hun, neither am I, thankfully 🙂

    • Eleanor

      Just got to carry on! Thanks for the lovely comment. I’m glad someone else is going through the same thing (not that I want you to go through it!) x

  • Courtney

    Love this post. I feel the same way sometimes. As a feminist I think you just feel pressure to “prove” you’re strong enough to survive on your own, but really everyone needs to have someone to rely on whether it be friends, family, or significant others – it’s only human. Hopefully you’ll start learning to love yourself more and feel better about things.

    – Courtney

    • Eleanor

      I know it can be quite difficult. Reaching out for help with friends and family definitely isn’t a bad thing, just got to remind myself that.x

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I’m Eleanor, a UK Manchester based Lifestyle & Beauty Blogger. I write about beauty products, feminism, mental health and my adventures in the big city of MCR.