So today I cried at work. Is there anything at work that feels more humiliating? Probably. But this was pretty low on that scale I argue.
I hate feeling inadequate and getting self-conscious. I want to be a strong independent woman, but frankly there are many times when I just don’t feel like that, at least half the times actually.
I think sometimes there’s a pressure when you define as a feminist to be strong, independent and ultimately happy with yourself. At the moment, I am not happy. It has recently hit me quite hard that I’m single and whilst to many that may not seem like a big thing, it is to me at the moment.
I relied on my previous partner to not feel like shit about myself, my body and everything else. I think this gradually got worse when we moved apart after university and I became pretty much on my own. My friends moved away and I relied on my partner to fill a bit of a void. Even though, my partner was on the other side of the country I came to rely on him as a friend more than anything.
And I think you do when you’re with someone. It’s normal. Don’t get me wrong, I am quite independent, always have been. I don’t mind going to the cinema alone or eating alone, but I do like company. And when you come to rely on someone for those little moments, it hurts.
Crying today in an office was a low point. The reason I cried was feeling inadequate, self conscious over a stupid photo of myself. I’ve always struggled with photos of myself when in reality nobody cares.
What everyone else sees as a perfectly lovely photo, you see as garbage because you think your shoulders are too broad and you look tired as hell.
It’s definitely a big thing for me this year to try to ‘love myself’ – A phrase previously that has made me shiver because I never have. Dating is off the cards for quite a while now, simply because I don’t really know what I want. Hopefully this post wasn’t too much of a pity party.
I’m Eleanor, a UK Manchester based Lifestyle & Beauty Blogger. I write about beauty products, feminism, mental health and my adventures in the big city of MCR.